25^th Aug 2014_3

Today’s three articles have all been fuelled by the guilt of not cleaning my flat. There is a difference from my previous, pre-writing days. I have written two, and almost three pieces today. I’ve done something. It is work avoidance, but hopefully this is doing me some good. I had a choice. One of which was doing nothing. And I can find so many ways of doing nothing. It’s something I am well practised in. I really hope that if something important needed to be done, I would have done it. Past history suggests that I haven’t. I’ll tidy tomorrow. After all, my place isn’t that bad. It is, but I can make it look like it needs a tidy up.

I have no idea what it is in my head that makes me leave things. Sometimes, I blitz the place and really put the effort in. This seems pointless, because someone comes and makes a mess again. That person is me. I’m not doing a split personality thing here. Nevertheless, other people manage, and many others do not. But I don’t get to see their places, and very few people get to see mine.

I am good at other things though. The place is reasonably clean, I keep myself busy working, thinking about playing guitar, read a bit,try to eat well, get enough sleep, and race triathlon. I have far too many tasks for one me!

I must say at this point, that I don’t like being untidy. I’m much happier in a tidy flat. But spare time is precious. Why spend it doing house work? There is a balance, and I’m heavily on the side of looking after myself over looking after my flat.

There is something much deeper. And that is keeping people away. I’ve become very good at it over the years. I can’t invite a girl to my place. It’s too much of a boy’s place. It’s full of bikes, camping gear, and I have a vinyl record collection. I like to think that if things were the the other way around, I wouldn’t mind the mess. But I would.

Every one of us becomes the collection of their experiences. We all have our faults. Some of these faults may help in their career success, and some may find it hinders them. I know that my untidiness has been one of my failings. It means that I’m never really comfortable, and is a constant reminded of my previous failings. It’s everywhere and I can’t get away from it. This is something I recognise, and I accept that.

We can fool ourselves that our failings are part of our charm, or our weaknesses are enforced by others, because that’s what they expect of us. Or, they like our failings, as this makes them feel better than us.

I need to change. But what’s the point? I can’t change.

But change I must. So, smile and get on with it. Tomorrow………………………………………….