I have to be social today. It’s for a family event and I look fine, but it’ll be a push getting through. The thing is that I don’t really want to talk and I don’t want to share anything. There’s not much to tell that’s good, and I’m not going to give anything away about myself. If I get a chance of stupid surreal conversation, I’ll bite their hand off. I’m doing this without drinking too. This is going to drive me mad! It shouldn’t. I’ll find somewhere safe, and lord knows I want a beer. That can’t happen. I’m not going to wake up with a hangover waking up in the front room on a camp bed.

I can sneakily do this with my phone and a keyboard. I’m somewhere else, and I can’t switch music on, or make something I want to eat. People are going to be interested in me, and I hardly feel like I belong here. But at least I won’t be worried about anything I said or did after tonight.

Today should be a good thing and I feel, like, well me. So I’ll get through and it will be fine. It’s just that I don’t feel like I have the social skills. I don’t really feel engaged with the whole thing. I don’t know where I fit in. I do, but I’m here because it’s expected. And know one knows how I feel. But strangely, this is a million times better than I used to feel. So, I’ll carry on and hold my shit together.

Tomorrow, I’ll reward myself with a run. It’s odd that my rewards have become things that are good for me, instead of things that do me harm. And I think this ends on a positive note.

A quick update: I really wish I could end up writing something, not make a song and dance about it and make some money from this. It’s keeping me sane!