Unless I mis-heard I’ve learned a new word. Trampxiety – the fear that you will have no money when you grow old, or lose your job and have to sleep on a park bench. Now I have a word for my condition.

I’ve picked up a little after a conversation about a possible job. This is a scary feeling, but a lot less scary than what my future will be like if I fail to find an income stream very soon. The good thing is that it’s given me a little push to review my CV and send it off. And it means that I’m happy to send it out again and again. I’ll drop by the bike shop tomorrow as well. What I need now is lots of options. Not going away again has been a good idea.

Now that I’m going to rejoin society I might as well make an effort again. By making an effort I mean doing things I used to enjoy doing. This morning I switched the camera on and recored the birds feeding again. This doesn’t have any financial value, but it does have a happines value and that is very important. The other thing I did was go for one of my eveing bike rides. They are short and don’t take much effort. That’s the reason I do them, because they are achievable and repeatable. When I stop doing them when I can do them, that’s not a great sign.

I’m worried about my car now. On October 31st as it stands I’ll have to had it back. That’s if I don’t have a job. There are options, but I’m leaving it a bit late to arrange anything. The fear is kicking in and when it does I don’t have a good set of possible reactions. The reactions to the gut feeling aren’t in the memory bank. All I can do is try and write these things down and process them. And writing things down is a great move forward. I know that when I used to live at home, I wouldn’t have been allowed the privacy to express myself and grow as a person. There’s something rebellious by doing this. This is mine and it’s private. If I ever share this it will be on my terms. But for the moment I’ve set this blog to private and only I can see it. Given that I’m tying on a Chromebook, I’ll say only me and Google can see this. There is a feeling of anxiety in doing this. There’s anger too. The anger has been there for a long time and over the years it’s been eating me up from the inside. There are things I still want to do and I’m not going to let these feelings beat me.