But first, I need a coffee.

I don’t want to write about it and I don’t want to talk about it. Way back on March 3rd, I thought my mojo had come back and posts would arrive every day. That didn’t happen, which means that I haven’t been going through a good time and I can’t deal with it right now. One thing is for sure. Things aren’t getting any better. So let’s talk about birds instead.

I always thought that there wasn’t much life in my local woods. It may be that there wasn’t much going on until recent events have given wildlife a chance to recover. Or it could be that sitting on a log for an hour with a pair of binoculars was all that I needed. A little effort is all that’s needed sometimes. That and wanting to do something. So I do this and have some record that I existed. Otherwise, I could disappear and be a distant memory. I might disappear and become that distant memory. That’s the way I’ve been feeling recently, more now than ever. A small success every now and then gives me a reason to go on, but it’s not easy.

As always, there’s always a bitd that keeps me going, but I’m running out of birds and I don’t know what to do. Some people try to help, but that only makes me feel worse, because their help won’t work. I want to let everything out, but no one deserves that and I have no idea what will happen. So I keep it all in with an effort that makes me more anxious, which is a downward spiral. This is very bad indeed.

Lockdown 3.0 isn’t helping. Outside feels strange. It feels as if something very bad has happened (which it has) and no one talks about it, or has been profoundly affected by it in many different ways. Time will tell what has happened and I think we’ve been conditioned to be in lockdown. Come 21st June, when we are supposed to be “free” again, crowds will visit beaches, mountains, and parks, when all sorts of crazy shit will happen.

My response, is to leave my flat where I live alone, to sit in the woods on my own. But at least I’m outside and away from thinking about my problems, which haven’t gone anywhere. But at least there’s a photo of a green woodpecker to remind you that I was here.