British Summer time!

Last Sunday, April 28th, the clocks went forward by an hour. This isn’t anything new and I still don’t like it. The first thing is that we had an extra hour of daylight in the evening yesterday and it was cloudy. I feel robbed when this happens. Brighter, sunny evenings will be on the way very soon – possibly – and I shouldn’t feel bad about this, but I do.I’ll get over this and it’s no big deal. What I do have a problem is with time slipping through my fingers. It’s already 1100 and I need it to be 1000. Anxiety is kicking in and I need to calm down.

This afternoon, there’s a promise of sun and a few days of warmer weather. Perhaps it will lift my mood, but there’s so much to do inside and all I can do is sit here and type away with no financial benefit as I slide in to oblivion. My mood is very real and my situation is not very good at all and this is bad indeed.

What I need to do is be my own hero, my saviour. Only I can save myself, but I’ve lost all faith in myself to do it. I’m still tired, down, and useless. I’m a person I don’t want to be. I want to be hard working, smart, wealthy, social, super fit, successful, and someone not to be ashamed of.

There’s no help for me. The clock is ticking and I work too slowly. Nothing seems worth doing and I don’t have any feelings of achievement for anything. All I’m doing is cleaning up my mess. And all I’m good at is making a mess. But what I need to so is a spring clean before the day is out. I have to do it, but no one is coming to visit. No one came to visit before. I wouldn’t visit me.

Sorry for not making you or me laugh with this one. I’m going to do some washing and cleaning and make up the time I losr on a bloody awful weekend. I’m worried that if I tidy up too much I’ll tie up all of my loose ends, and I know where that ends. But wish me luck. I have a big hole I’m trying to climb out of and I don’t have a ladder long enough to do it. I’ll let you know how I get on. Or not.