I’m way too late to the party!

I feel like I’m someone new to running and being congratulated for running a 31 minute 5K. Some people start running late and find out that they are really good at it and become loads better than I ever was. Many don’t, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. And the people who are rubbish don’t make me feel any better either. I don’t like them at all, which sounds bad.

The problem is that beating people who aren’t very good isn’t a win for me. Beating people who are better is a win. And a chess club is the type of place only good people visit – except me! Loads of people who I could beat could turn up, but most people don’t like losing, especially if they thought they were good. Easy wins are worthless, but they may be happy doing that on-line. Losing really hurts sometimes, even when it’s just a board game. But it should.

I have a plan. No, that’s not correct. I have an aspiration. If I had a plan, I’d be actively doing things to improve my chess situation. At the moment, I just turn up and lose. That’s not a plan. It’s just wasting time, hoping I’ll improve – which I may well do. All of which makes me think if I’m like a gambler and actually addicted to losing and not winning.

Winning isn’t easy to get used to when losing is what you do. One win won’t be followed by a long winning streak. What will happen will be many losses. Or am I being pessimistic? I’d say realistic. After all, the true definition of a pessimist is a realistic optimist.

What happens next may be really annoying. I need to review my games and see what happened. Doing this makes me look at failure, but at least I’ll have something to write about. I may even find some great moves and missed wins. All I have to do is invest the time an effort to improve. The nagging doubt is that any effort will be utterly pointless.

I’m not sure if this is about chess at all. It’s not. Chess is the manifestation of my situation. But it could also be my way out. Failing that, it’s just something to do. And in the end, doing something is much better than doing nothing.